Many great things

Many exciting things happened at work today. First, the ninjas from the Communications Department raided the copy rooms and took all of our fax machines. We can no longer send faxes on our own, and must instead rely on a team of about four to serve all of our faxing needs.
Second, someone left two green peppers in the coffee room. No note or anything, just left them on the counter. That made for some a few laughs.
Third, I HANDED IN MY RESIGNATION! Five weeks! Then school!

Communists!

I got an email today with the subject line, "What Are You Doing for MayDay?" My first reaction was, "OMG, THE REPUBLICANS WERE RIGHT...WE'RE COMMUNISTS NOW!" Because the one thing I will NOT be doing on May 1st is celebrating Communist Labor Day. While I will not rule out dancing around a maypole, as that is acceptably capitalist, it is not likely. I am a good American, and the only holiday I celebrate in early May is Cinco de Mayo.

Actually, it turns out the email was about some fake holiday libraries and FEMA set up to "preserve our history." Communists.

VICTORY!

My Thursday night team won yesterday, an amazing feat when you consider that we only won one game during the winter season, and that was due to a forfeit. As one of my teammates said, we were always an outdoor team trapped inside. Also, we only played two and a half innings due to a delayed start and darkness, and the captains on the other team didn't show. But our victory stands!

That was a good end to an exhausting day. There was a major round of layoffs at work yesterday, and even though I strongly suspected my job was safe (it was), it was still stressful. Luckily, my friends made it through unscathed, but our floor is going to look very different next week.

Suspicion

My place of employment has an emergency system that automatically phones and emails employees when something is amiss. A few weeks ago, we received alerts on consecutive days, the first because the water had been shut off in the building, and the second because the cafeteria would be closed for breakfast. With this precedent, you'd think that they'd contact us when the company was going to be opening on a two-hour delay due to snow. You would, of course, be mistaken. I suspect they didn't want to spread the word too much, and instead hope that some employees would arrive on their normal schedule. Luckily, I knew to call the secret number on the back of our ID badges, and so didn't give them any of my time for free (we got paid for those two hours). Of course, if I had been one of those poor souls who showed up on time, I would have just found a nice place to nap.

I disagree

I've been testing the limits of my work's site blocking software, and here's the message I got when trying to access failblog:

"The category 'Tasteless' is blocked."

Come on, now, I think that's a matter of debate, don't you?

Not in use

I have been having issues with water lately. Namely, that there isn't enough of the kind I need when I need it.

My building has been running out of hot water in the mornings, so that when I get up there's nothing but ice cold H2O running through the pipes. I've adapted to this by showering at night, which makes my hair look bad, but is better than the alternative.

We've been told that this is going to take two weeks to fix. Yay!

This morning, the water was off in my office building. All 13 floors of it. Apparently, there was some issue with the cooling system, so they had to shut off the servers housed downstairs. Thank God they fixed that issue within an hour, or else they would have had to send us home! /sarcasm

Anyway, the water issue at work was particularly disturbing due to signs that have been posted over the fire alarms on my floor since Friday.



No sprinklers and no alarms! Fantastic!

Isn't pale the new tan?

One of the lawyers at work is headed to Miami in few weeks. He commented to his secretary, who sits next to me, that if he didn't get some sun soon he'd "be as pale as [M Slash]."

IT'S NOT MY FAULT I DIDN'T GET THE TANNING GENE! My father was German and Irish, and my mother's family tends to be of the paler Armenians. I got the gene that causes tens of new moles to spring up each summer. Oddly, though, I still have tan lines from last summer. I don't tan deeply, but it sticks around forever. Which, yes, means that I'm even paler than I appear.

Sigh.

I have a witness!

As I was walking back from the break room with my usual post-lunch cup of coffee, I noticed a strange ticking noise. "Huh," I thought. "That's weird." Assuming it was the temperamental heating/cooling system, I continued on my way. When I rounded the corner to my hallway, I realized the ticking was still present. It was at this point that I held the cup up to my ear and realized my coffee was ticking.

What does this mean? Has someone invented a rather impressive bomb that involves Flavia packets? Did I commit some grave offense against a coffee bean, and this is my own Tell-Tale Heart?

Noon...you know, around 2

Ordering cheesesteaks for some coworkers for tomorrow:
"Yes, I'd like them delivered at noon, please."
"OK, ma'am, what time?"
"Noon"
"Yes, but could you give me an exact time, please?"
"...12:00"
"OK, see you then."

I was tempted to keep going, but my day is not that long.

Biding my time before the game

There was a conversation at work the other day concerning women whose husbands watch sports (specifically, the NFL) obsessively, refusing to miss a game during the season. I'd always thought that this was fairly common, if not the norm, because my father's reaction to leaving the house on Saturday or Sunday in the fall was usually somewhere between "bewildered" and "shocked and appalled". It wasn't until I got to college and found that none of my male friends enjoyed watching sports that I realized it's not universal behavior.

The wives in question began debating whether it is a byproduct of the internet age, with the instant access to information, the ability to track multiple games at once, and, of course, fantasy leagues bringing a new dimension to fandom. I argued that these obsessions have always existed, the only difference is that now people have more opportunities to indulge them. My dad would watch whatever game they were showing, all that mattered was that football was on. He didn't need to have a rooting interest beforehand, he just genuinely liked the game. Hell, this was a man so into horse racing that he would watch the televised results at night to see how he would have done if he had gone to the track (this was after his bookie retired).

I imagine that I would be the sports fanatic in a marriage. I just hope any future husband of mine isn't too into "doing things" on Sundays.

God bless you, WGN

I wonder if my boss will allow me to renegotiate my contract so that I'm paid in gold. Or rice, beans, and condensed soup.

Anyway, I was going to go to bed early tonight, but got distracted:



Did you know that Alf went to dental school?

Offended

I was in the elevator yesterday with two men, one of whom was on the elderly side, who were talking baseball. The younger one commented that at least a pitcher on his losing team won 20 games, so he'll take that silver lining. He got off first, and the older one looked at me and said, "You probably have no idea what we're talking about, do you?"

Yes.

I looked at him for a second, and said, "No, not really. I'm a Phillies fan, so I got to cheer for a winning team this year."

Seriously, let's not make assumptions in this day and age, people.

And: Go Phillies!

Hmmm

My coworker said the following last week:

"I'm thinking about cashing out my retirement plan, paying off my house and my loans, so then if the bank crashes, what do I care?"

That idea's looking better and better every day, isn't it? Maybe I'll end up like the grandparents I never knew, who kept their money in the floorboards in their house. My grandfather was also a bootlegger in Prohibition, so it was clearly one good idea after another with that man.

A warning

Trivia night yesterday went well for the first four rounds, and then crashed, burned and died in a horrible incident that will go down in history as "The Second Music Round." It was rather reminiscent of the Mets' performance down the stretch these last two years. Anyway, I have received promises that the slackers who missed this week will show up next Tuesday, and they better do so, or guess whose requests for leave this holiday season will go straight into the deleted folder.

Love you all.

New (new) goal

After a conversation about our Myers-Briggs types this morning, a few of us decided to re-take the test to see if we'd changed. My results came with a list of recommended careers, and I must say that one of them intrigues me:

"Military, business administrators, managers, police/detective work, judges, financial officers, teachers, sales representatives, government workers, insurance agents, underwriters, nursing administrators, trade and technical teachers, mafia dons"

Finally! My life has some direction!

WANT!

Someone appears to have recently been hired at my place of employment with the title "Solutions Architect." (No, I don't work for the government)

I wish to change my title to this immediately. I think I would be rather good at laying the blueprints for solutions while not actually solving anything.

I'll take them with me, you know

After my post about Daniel Craig got mentioned in the Express, my co-worker said to me, "You're going to get death threats! You should go after Michael Phelps next."

My co-worker clearly wants me killed. I think she's after the collection of holiday-themed Pez Dispensers I keep locked in my desk.

Finally facing my Waterloo?

Jess and I saw Mamma Mia! last night, and her dream is now to go to Greece. Mine is to be in a production of Mamma Mia!.

I've had a lot of new hopes and dreams regarding work lately, but they all keep getting shot down. I can't transfer to the Paris office, I can't start an advice column for our unit's intranet page, I can't wear suede pants on the job. I like my boss and all, but his refusal to compromise on these issues has disappointed me.

THEY'RE COMING FOR US!

My boss mentioned this article in passing today, with only a note of mild interest. I wonder how many others will regard this fact as simply a neat discovery? Have none of you seen Planet of the Apes? Now that Charlton Heston's no longer with us, the primates clearly think we're weak and ripe for conquest.

I need a patent lawyer!

Some coworkers and I like to break up the monotony of local restaurants with quarterly "fests" of food from other parts of the city. We've had PizzaFest, and tomorrow was supposed to be our first HoagieFest, catered by Philadelphia Cheesesteak Factory. I had high hopes for HoagieFest, with dreams of future generations marking the day with Cheez Whiz topped treats and leaving Amoroso rolls out for Hoagie Claus. Then I saw a billboard for this on 95 this past weekend. I never thought I'd say this, but damn those people at Wawa! Why'd they have to go and steal my thunder?!? And finding out the next day that they no longer have Oreo shakes did nothing to improve my mood, I'll have you know.
Whatever. Until they open a location inside the Beltway, I refuse to acknowledge their "trademarks."