First they came for the Loko

I was going to write a post about the ridiculousness that is the upcoming nationwide Four Loko ban, but I think this just about sums it up:

"The FDA is Set to Ban Four Loko in a Defeat of Capitalism and Freedom"

Disclaimer: I've never tried Four Loko, and the closest I've ever come to seeing it in action was when I witnessed some high schoolers shoplifting a case from 7-11 last year. Of course, I do intend to try it before Prohibition sets in, because the government has made it unbelievably attractive.

Turn your sarcasm detectors on

We're all aware of the abomination that occurred Tuesday in Delaware.

Well. It seems O'Donnell's Democratic opponent was a Republican until his early 20s, when he went on a life-changing study abroad.

In which country did this transformation take place?

KENYA.

Where, obviously, he was recruited by the anti-colonialist Marxists to be Obama's right-hand man in handing America over to the Muslims. IT'S ALL IN THE ARTICLE, PEOPLE. Christine is the only person standing between us and Sharia.

I give it 3 days before the crazies take this and run, alleging a conspiracy that involves Obama, Coons, Joe and Beau Biden, and Castle.

A letter

Dear Rep. Issa,

You've found me out. I can't wait until the government passes this bill so I can stock up on children for my four weeks off per year. I hope they'll get this done by 2011, because that's when I'll be out of school and looking for work. That should also be enough time for me to get tired of having abortions, because we all know how much fun they are! If I'm still enjoying the delights of that procedure, then it'll be a difficult decision between that and four carefree weeks with a newborn. Do you think I can plan my pregnancies and adoptions for the summer, so I can spend a month at the beach? Although Christmas would be nice, too...but then they get stuck with that awful birthday/Christmas scenario. Whatevs, it's not like it'd be MY birthday!

Cheers,

M Slash

The movie was good, btw

Friends, Jessica and I witnessed two very sad events on Friday at the theater in Silver Spring. We were standing in front of the concession stand, waiting for our friends to arrive, watching others go through the first ticket check.*

The first drama involved a group of girls, perhaps around 15. One of them, in either a show of stupidity or teenage arrogance, was holding a brown bag that I, some 25 feet away, could tell was from Chipotle. The ticket-taker, a young black man,** in his role as guardian of the sanctity of $4 hot dogs, referred her to the customer service stand on his right. The poor lass argued and argued, but to no avail. The saddest part of this tale? Her friend was carrying a purse big enough to carry a family-sized box of cereal, in the original packaging. I felt sorry for the girl, as, clearly, no one ever told her the secret to sneaking in food to the movies. Rule 1 being, of course, the "sneaking" aspect.

Shortly after the girl's failed attempt to salvage her dinner, we spotted our friend. She was second in line, behind a young African-American gentleman. The man in front of her had a backpack on, and this aroused the suspicion of the ticket-taker. Jess and I watched as the customer held his bag out to be searched for any contraband snacks. At this point, we were fearful. Why? Because our friend (let's call her "Bailey") also had a backpack with her. In contrast to that of the person in front of her, hers was filled with...well, let's say with drinks that you can't buy at this particular theater. Jess, always an empathizer, turned around saying she couldn't watch this. I, intrigued with the process, continued snacking on pretzal bites and taking in the scene.

What happened? I think you know, readers. Bailey was let through without a glance at her bag. We had witnessed racial profiling. Not only regular racial profiling, but black-on-black racial profiling! Performed by someone in the same age group as the victim! I was appalled.

*Why do they have two? Why must you show your ticket before the concession stand and then again to enter the movie area?

**This is an important detail.

Question

I'm running late, but I want to ask what the big deal is about Obama appearing on the Tonight Show and filling out a March Madness bracket. I don't think it diminishes the office in any way (any more than W did, at least), and I'd rather a president act appropriately in various settings, be they formal or purely for entertainment, than be inappropriate in a more Presidential setting with, say, the Pope.



Honestly, though, I wouldn't have cared if W had gone on say, Letterman, and I don't care now. It's not like he's hosting SNL, here.

Why not 52-48?

I was reading this article from Thursday's Post on young conservatives, and a particular part stuck out at me. See if you have the same reaction:

Later, in a phone interview, Siggins says he struggles with some of his party's more culturally orthodox ideals. "Because I am in this generation and was raised in a pro-gay-marriage era, I am only a little bit against gay marriage, but only a little, like 53 percent to 47," he says. "I have about a dozen gay friends, 30 or 20, and they would all back me up. In college, I used to have lunch with them. . . . We went ice skating once."

A few things.

1) How can you be "only a little bit" against gay marriage? It's not like gun control or abortion, where you can say you're for it in this instance but not in that one. Either you think they should be allowed to get married or you don't. And what would 53% be, anyway? "Well, you can get married, but the reception is going to be cash bar. Open bar is for us straight folk. THEN NO ONE WILL WANT TO COME TO YOUR WEDDING ANYWAY, HAHAHAHA. My evil plan, let me show you it!"

2) I suddenly feel as though every friendship I've ever had with a gay person has been a sham. Why? Because we have never gone ice skating. Clearly, that is the pinnacle of gay-straight platonic relationships. Here I was, thinking that the nights singing along to Kelly Clarkson were enough. What must I do to reach that ice skating level, gay friends?!?

3) The gentleman quoted above is obviously the heterosexual most beloved by any gay person ever. Why, he claims to have a dozen gay friends! (Although I am wondering when a dozen became 20-30...was this covered on the same day we discussed straight/gay ice skating?) And they would all back him up! Remembering their days at the lunch table! Seriously, can you even remember who you used to eat lunch with at college? I don't think I even liked half the people. Dinner was MUCH more of a sign of friendship.

Huh?

Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but did Clarence Thomas just PUSH PAST Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

Update:
The blogger at Macleans saw the same thing I did. (9:04)

AJ, Biff, and Punchy

A gchat conversation, in which we discuss baseball, presidents, and fruit drinks:


BFF’S BF: an oriole trounces the liberty bell
ugh but the nats are lame. i hate that. dc and its having to name teams
capitals, nationals is lame
ugh and the president races
teddy roosevelt 0 wins :-(
me: well...I don't want to admit how long it took me to realize the sixers are named for 1776
BFF’S BF: HA really?
me: yes
BFF’S BF: im surprised
and im not gonna lie
disappointed
me: ha
BFF’S BF: u let me down
ur better than that
me: i know!
but so is T Roosevelt
and look at him
they should introduce FDR. have him race around in a wheelchair
BFF’S BF: i blame the shape of his head
BFF’S BF: the rest are long
his is wide
wind resistance
or the asshole in the suit is slow as hell
i'll train and race
Win every time
me: i know he's flipping out about this
the man was not a loser
BFF’S BF: they should introduce
american lion. aka, Andrew Jackson
me: he'd just shoot everyone
BFF’S BF: i know
me: or order them sent on a march of death
BFF’S BF:the presidential trail of tears
me: when I was 6, we went to DC
I got presidential flashcards. AJ scared the HELL out of me
BFF’S BF: i like where this is going
me: my mom had to take him out of the deck
BFF’S BF: hahaha taft didn scare u
me: he was just fat. AJ was all scarred and stuff. crazy hair. just look at a $20
BFF’S BF: haha he does look like a war torn doc from back to the future
me: haha
yes
trying to find his delorean. that the cherokee stole
BFF’S BF: haha has to have a duel with biff
and then find love in the west. the 3rd one was such crap. doc had a girl. and a train. count me out on the fun
me: i like the second one
hoverboards!
BFF’S BF: haha yeah
i always liked biff's lacky
with the 3d glasses
american badass
poor grant
those commericals with the bill guys jackson, franklin and grant creep me out
franklin is the creepiest
me: i love ben franklin
BFF’S BF: no way
me: remember that office episode? he was such a whore
BFF’S BF: a wise whore
me: the best kind
BFF’S BF: whatev if u and i went back in time
i would be like wheres m slash
find u in franklins harem
me: damn straight!
philadelphia love
BFF’S BF: thats cool i would be hookin up with betsy ross. knit me a flag bitch!
me: haha what
BFF’S BF: HAHAHAHAHA
me: why is kool-aid man holding a pitcher of kool-aid? isn't that a little disturbing?
BFF’S BF: bc he cant serve himself. he's the boss no one drinks him
me: i think he's actually their god
BFF’S BF: haha
remember the clear kool aid man mugs
they were like early frost mugs
awesome
that and ecto kool. fond parts of my childhood
me: ecto cooler! yes
BFF’S BF: so good
my grandma always had it
i need to ask her why she doenst get juice boxes anymore
me: or some hawaiian punch
in the cans
BFF’S BF: oh man. how bout a nice hawaiian punch
SURE
then he would knock u out
BFF’S BF:yummmmmmm
me: 50% fruit juice!
BFF’S BF: The Hi-C products used to be the color implied by their flavor, but in 2002, Hi-C was re-introduced as a yellowish clear beverage that would not stain clothing. Thus, flavors like Shoutin' Orange Tangergreen lost their distinctive colors.
ugh kids today. no wonder they shoot up schools and are bratty bitches on sweet 16
always placated to. guess what- when i was a kid-spill ur juice box on ur shirt
f it. grass stains would soon join them. Mud, cuts, like when i would go down to the creek, and my mom would get pissed. “were u at the creek” wet shoes and mud everywhere. catching crawfish. awesome
me: "Ecto Cooler (renamed Shoutin' Orange Tangergreen in 2001, then later renamed Crazy Citrus Cooler in 2006, Finally discontinued in 2007)"
me: check out this amazingly scholarly look at "punchy"
me: “Understanding that his punch is central to his identity, we explored in depth how the punch connected with the audience and what it said to them. Our conclusion recognized Punchy’s punch as a metaphor for overwhelming refreshment rather than an act of physical violence, suggesting a number of acceptable ways to approach it without diluting its authenticity.”
me: i'm going to start punching people
and say it's a metaphor for overwhelming refreshment
for me
BFF’S BF: haha

A thought

When Metro starts distributing the special farecards for the Inauguration, they should think about putting signs up that say DON'T PUT EXACT CHANGE ON THE CARD. Or else I foresee many angry tourists.

An Open Letter

Dear Obama Supporters Hoping to Come for the Inauguration,

Hello.

I write this letter out of concern. The latest projection of how many of you fine citizens will arrive in our fair city is 1.5 million. One point five million people descending on DC. Now, it's not that I don't understand the desire to be here for the event. When Obama won, I was thrilled by the idea of being so close to history in January. But then reality set in, and I decided I better get the hell out of town. It seems as though many of the area's residents have come to the same realization, as you can see from a quick glance at Craigslist.

So, out-of-towners hoping to score housing for the 20th, stop and ask yourself, "Why are so many people from DC willing to give up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Even if they voted for McCain, isn't this the kind of thing people inside the Beltway would kill to see?"

Here's the answer: because we know just how insane that weekend is going to be. It'll be like the 4th of July and every day of the Cherry Blossom festival put together, times 20. The odds of actually getting close enough to see anything are so long it's not worth giving up a warm house and a tv. I'm willing to wager that a good amount of the metro stops downtown will be closed, making the system even more hectic and confusing for novice riders. Traffic will be an absolute nightmare. Security will be worse.

My suggestion? Stay home. Take the day off work and have a party.

Yours,

M Slash

Sniff

The past eight years have provided us with many glorious moments, and here's another one, an excerpt from The Audacity of Hope that the Post printed today:

"Obama!" the President said, shaking my hand. "Come here and meet Laura. Laura, you remember Obama. We saw him on TV during election night. Beautiful family. And that wife of yours -- that's one impressive lady."

"We both got better than we deserve, Mr. President," I said, shaking the First Lady's hand and hoping that I'd wiped any crumbs off my face. The President turned to an aide nearby, who squirted a big dollop of hand sanitizer in the President's hand.

"Want some?" the President asked. "Good stuff. Keeps you from getting colds."

Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt.

I am going to miss him so much it hurts.

HUGE MISCONCEPTION

I have heard two different DC residents in the last month say that their vote doesn't count because DC has no electoral vote. Where the hell is this idea coming from? Scratch that, I know the answer: those license plates that say "Taxation Without Representation". People! That just means we have no votes in the Senate or House! DC has 3 electoral votes, the same as Delaware, and your vote on Tuesday helps determine who gets them. Now, if you want to argue that your vote will not matter, that's another story. But go vote!

This is awesome

That poor white kid in the back.

I can't watch much more

Can someone please remind Sen. McCain that the president who faced the Cuban Missile Crisis was rather young and untested himself?

Go Flyers!

My sister sent me this item:

"Sarah Palin, in her much-ballyhooed appearance dropping the puck at the Philly Flyers' opener, was greeted by "resounding (almost deafening) boos from the Flyers crowd."

Awesomeness

Career move?

While reading about AIG canceling the "conference" they had planned for next week that included $400 a night stays at a Ritz-Carlton, I started thinking: which job would you rather have right now- their spokesperson or their PR consultant? On the one hand, you've got to spin a lot of atrocious behavior, but on the other, you've got to deal with what appears to be a company run by idiots. Who the hell would think that running an ad campaign, essentially funded by taxpayers, to justify a $440,000 spa vacation that occurred days after the government agreed to give them $85 billion could possibly be successful? I guess the same people who got the company into this mess.

And then let's go to the Ranch House

There has been some criticism of Sen. Biden for referring to a restaurant on Union Street that has been closed for 20 years. And that wasn't on Union Street. Well, I'd like to defend him, not as a Democrat, but as a Wilmingtonian.

First, that entire area is referred to as "Union Street." I guess it would technically be Little Italy, but when referring to it in conversation one would say "over by Union Street" or "near St. Anthony's."

Second, long-time residents of the city tend to refer to locations by what they used to be, in a passive-aggressive way of boasting about how long they've lived there. For example, I might tell someone that I dropped my car off for an oil change at Campanella's, next to the old Wanamaker's building. Wanamaker's closed 17 years ago. An older person might give directions that refer to the old Wilmington High on Pennsylvania Avenue. The school moved in 1960. Wilmington High doesn't even exist anymore.

My point is, was the Senator actually thinking of another restaurant? Probably. But would a native Wilmingtonian of his generation have known what he meant? I'd argue yes.

Fact-check!

Uh, Joe? While Dick Cheney has been a pretty dangerous VP, has he really been the MOST dangerous?

I think Alexander Hamilton would politely disagree.

Bad day to run out of advil

RE: Debate

My head hurts. Can anyone follow her logic?