It's ok, everyone, calm down!

Yes, I have been MIA these past couple of days, as I'm moving into a new place and don't have internet. Apparently I have some irate fans, one of whom called me yesterday to complain that I didn't blog on Friday for Michael Jackson's 50th birthday. I think some of you can guess who that particular person was.
Anyway, I have learned many important things since Friday, including how to drive a pickup truck, how to throw a mattress down the stairs, how to score a new bed (thanks, cat!), that Tastykake DOES still make coconut juniors, and that contacting food companies is a family trait, as one of my sisters may or may not have called Keebler about the re-launching of Hydrox.

I perhaps should have foreseen this

The name of my blog comes from a nickname my cousin gave me when I got a spare at our now defunct New Year's Day Family Bowling Extravaganza. I chose it because I like how it sounds, and because it comes with a fun hand gesture. It did not occur to me that some people might think it's associated with a certain genre of fanfiction, until I started getting those "Jonathan Horton slash" hits (eight, people! EIGHT). Yesterday, someone found my blog through a search for "Christian Bale slash." I am considering just throwing out random names of popular male celebrities just to increase hits.

And, so far, there have been no hits from people searching for "Daniel Craig slash," leading me to the irrefutable conclusion that I am right.

Go Joe!

Watching Biden's speech last night, I felt like the Mongolians did after they won their first gold medal ever. I'm always extremely proud to be from Delaware, but was even more so yesterday. We don't get much attention, so the thought of one of us being part of a historic election is thrilling. In the spirit of national unity, I chose to wear my "The Best Girls are from Delaware" shirt instead of this one:


But seriously, suck it, Rhode Island.

Buy some now!

I'm hesitant to put this out there, for fear that my enemies will exploit it, but I have a new weakness:


They are amazing. I have had nine already today.

A message to Jimmy Rollins

Dear J-Roll,
If you want be more well-received in Philadelphia, it would behoove you not to take two strikes looking and then pop out to third with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 11th against a team .5 games ahead of you for first place.
Yours,
M Slash

Important point

"President Clinton is a former president." -Sen. Casey on MSNBC

Thanks, Bob.

Ride on, Caesar!

This article describes how proud we Delawareans are of Sen. Biden, and includes this particular comparison to show how important he is:

"No one else except Caesar Rodney, who was there at the founding of the nation, is historically more significant than Joe Biden," said Carol E. Hoffecker, a Delaware historian and author of "Democracy in Delaware."

Ah yes, Caesar Rodney, the man so well remembered in Delaware that when his image was put on the state quarter people were overheard commenting, "Why on Earth did we put Paul Revere on our quarter?" and "I don't know why they chose Caesar Rodney. It's not even the largest high school in the state!"

Hypocrisy!

And we got upset that the Chinese had a girl lip sync because the singer wasn't cute enough? Where's the outrage over this?

HELP NEEDED

The past couple of times I've been to Wawa, I haven't been able to find coconut junior Tastykakes. Does anyone know if they stopped making them? I need more information before I spend too much postage on my letter writing campaign.

I'm a bit skeptical

From this week's PostSecret:


So I guess you didn't take English last marking period, huh?

Of course

While cleaning out my parents' house today, I found an Armenian-language newspaper from 1968. It proudly proclaims itself "THE OLDEST AND LARGEST ARMENIAN DAILY IN USA -ISSUED DAILY EXCEPT MONDAY, THE DAY FOLLOWING HOLIDAY & 2 WEEKS IN JULY."

My people and I have a very loose definition of "daily."

Something I used to wonder

When I was little, I always wondered why I couldn't find explosives, rockets, and the like at my local ACME. Then, as I got a little older, I suspected all the employees of being spies.

Justifying my prejudices

See, this is why I believe that the only people on Second Life are people who've failed at First Life.

And please note that the VICTIM is from Delaware, not the crazy virtual ex. Go Hens!

And holy crap, I just read the description of their online romance. WTF? I guess those lion-human pairings just aren't cut out for the real world.

A rare serious rant

If no congressional representation and a higher likelihood of being called for jury duty weren't bad enough, I found out today that my imminent move to the District means my tax dollars will be spent on this appalling plan. Oh, you say kids will prefer getting paid as opposed to serving detentions or attending summer school? How insightful of you! Hey, I've shown up to work every day this week, should I ask my boss for a little extra money on my next paycheck? It'll really encourage me to come back on Monday!

As my co-worker said, I don't know if I'm outraged or dumbfounded, or both. What does Michelle Rhee think will happen when these kids enter the working world? People already think MY generation expects praise for doing what we're expected to, but we're going to seem like Tom Brokaw's Greatest Generation compared to the ones growing up now.

Now, if you excuse me, I've got to get the kids off my lawn before I can leave for my canasta tournament.

I need to work with a mirror

At the bar last night, a nice gentleman passing by on his way to get a drink commented that, while "most girls in kickball suck," I was clearly "a great girl." When I asked him how exactly he could tell, he said that it was my eyes.

I was of course disappointed. I want my eyes to put fear into the hearts of the competition! Although I guess it can't hurt to lull them into a false sense of security.

Things I've always wondered*

If the blue crispy M&M mates with the green milk chocolate M&M, what is the result? What about her and the yellow peanut M&M?

*And by "always" I mean "since I saw this commercial ten minutes ago"

I'll take them with me, you know

After my post about Daniel Craig got mentioned in the Express, my co-worker said to me, "You're going to get death threats! You should go after Michael Phelps next."

My co-worker clearly wants me killed. I think she's after the collection of holiday-themed Pez Dispensers I keep locked in my desk.

Things I've always wondered

This whole "Daniel Craig" thing is a joke that everyone's in on but me, right? I mean, there are celebrities that I don't find attractive but that I can see other people enjoying (Christian Bale!), but I can't believe that there are large numbers of people out there who think this is what "good-looking" is:


And how exactly did they decide to cast him as Bond? Because this is how I imagine it: "You know what would REALLY throw the audience for a loop? If we make Bond a British spy AND the leader of Russia!"


Image comparison taken from someone's flickr page.

Nice shades, Senator!

I interned for Sen. Biden for a year, and for the first half of it I had to get to work at 7:30 and let myself into the empty office. One day, the Senator came into the main office, looked at me, and asked, "Do you by any chance have a key to my office? Could you please let me in?"

Go Delaware!

That's Sir Nils to you!

Check out Niles Nils Olav!

Only amateurs sit down!

We had a night on the town in Montgomery County on Saturday, and I've got to say I'm relieved to be leaving it soon after what I saw. Our first stop was the County Fair, and we spent half an hour in line for the popular exhibit "The ATM" (and not even the one by the Cheese Booth!). Jess, tired of waiting to get cash, pondered telling the police officer nearby that she was having a diabetic fit and needed funnel cake ASAP. You laugh, but the fair had prepared for such an event:


This was at the same booth where I got fried Oreos. They were delicious.

Next, we went to karaoke night at a bar in Kensington. It was horrible. No one recognized one of the best songs from the 80s, performed to perfection by Jess and me:


Instead, they seemed to prefer this crap:



WTF is that about? Poor Taylor, having to deal with psycho older women who want a fling with their local barista.

I will admit that things were better at the next bar, where the people were more enthusiastic about our encore performance:

Loved in Ireland

A drunk Irish gentleman at Ri Ra last night proclaimed his love for me, and Jess, always looking out for my best interests, yelled, "Love is intangible! You should buy her a shot!"
He did not. I must therefore doubt the fervor of his passion.

ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE

Hasbro has announced completely unnecessary changes to Clue. "Kasandra Scarlet"? "Special powers"? "Jack Mustard, football player"? NO WRENCH?

How will future generations learn how to pronounce the word "colonel"?

Don't argue with a priest

Perhaps you're shocked to see me posting today, since I should of course be spending all day at church (and if you're reading this on the 15th, I certainly hope you're not one of my Catholic or Eastern Christian friends!). Well, since it also happens to be my name day, I of course grant myself a dispensation for today.

Many of my relatives share this with me, as a bunch of us were named for my grandmother, who was a Mariam. As it happens, I am named for both my grandmother AND my mother, all with my first name! Now, my relatives are probably very confused, as the name my mom went by was nothing close to Mary. That is true. However, in the eyes of the Catholic Church, specifically the Archdiocese of Mexico City, her name is Maria. How did this come to be? When my grandparents went to arrange for her baptism, the priest argued that there was no Santa Lucia, and demanded they give her another name. Figuring they couldn't possibly argue with the name of the Virgin Mother, my grandmother went with Maria. And so I'm the third of the direct line.

And no, I don't know what the hell was wrong with that priest.

Damn it!

I saw a link to a story that was labeled "Swedish wrestler throws away medal in Olympic hissy fit." Two of my best friends are of Swedish descent, so I clicked on the link, giggling to myself about how I'd send it to them and ask what was wrong with their people. Then I saw the name of the Olympian.

JESUS CHRISTMAS! STOP MAKING US LOOK BAD!

But seriously, what were the odds of that? Someone tell me how many Armenians there are in Sweden.

Sorry to disappoint!

Someone was directed to this post through a Google search for "jonathan horton slash"...I'm guessing it's not what they were hoping to find.

UPDATE: Someone else just searched for those same terms! If there are any aspiring fanfic writers out there, here's an opportunity to explore a neglected niche.

Jackpot!

As I detailed in a previous post, I've had some traumatizing experiences as the youngest of 13 grandchildren. While I still hold that title, (although there are now 16 great-grandchildren after me) things have been on the upswing recently.

You see, I’m the only grandchild who’s an only child (well, half-only child, but it’s that half that matters here) and the only one whose parents have passed away. Don’t feel too sorry for me, however, because I’ve recently discovered some perks that come with my unique situation.

For example, my oldest uncle is turning 80 in October. He had a huge bash for his 75th and demanded everyone’s attendance. I was granted a dispensation only because I happened to be in Buenos Aires for school. It was apparently a great time, so I was looking forward to attending a similar celebration this year. Well, there were no plans for an 80th birthday party until he managed to commandeer a gift certificate that his son won at church. He’s entitled to dinner for 20 from a caterer, so 20 people there will be at this party. To simplify things, only his children, grandchildren, and siblings-in-law are invited, meaning the rest of us would be left out in the cold. I was rather indignant when I heard about this plan, and quickly voiced my opposition, ready to lead a call to arms on behalf of my cousins. His wife rushed to assure me that I was, in fact, on the guest list, because I’d be representing my parents. I ceased war preparations at once, because, guess what! I’ve moved up in rank! Screw you guys!

Of course, as with any promotion, there have also been more responsibilities. I won’t call out my relatives who are giving me more jobs than perks here on this blog, but let’s just say that I hope my aunt isn’t counting on my help next June when she’s taking down her Christmas tree.

Recent texts from friends

"I can't believe I missed my jamz!"
"Can I hem a 34 waist so it will fit me? I'm a 28"
"I am sure you just saw it wrong. Maybe you are drunk. you should get home."
"We're the token asians at tonights kenny chesney concert..."
"I will push you in front of a car"
"500 Kuwaiti dinars?"
"You're hilarious. We're rockin out to Barbie Girl right now."
"I WILL DESTROY YOUR DESK"

A hole Boscov's couldn't fill

Every time I see the Family Guy where the old gentleman says he bought his pants on sale at Caldor, I crack up. My mother LOVED Caldor. There was one a three-minute drive from our house, and the day it turned into an Ames was a black one in the M Slash household. Nothing in that space has ever stayed; in my 25 years, it's been a Zayre, an Ames, Caldor, back to Ames, and now a Home Depot.

I think my favorite story about these changes comes from my mother's high school students circa 1990. She asked them to fill in a blank map of the world. One student relabeled Zaire as "Ames," since Zayre was now Ames. That's just the kind of fun you can't have with the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

I'm no criminal!

I checked out my current neighborhood on this website, and was a tad alarmed to see an icon pop up exactly where my house is. After wondering if my roommates had failed to mention something to me, I clicked on the icon and was relieved to see a name I didn't recognize and an address from a street over. It appears the site doesn't place the icons exactly on the addresses, but perhaps they should fix this bug so people don't freak the hell out.

UPDATE: A search using my new address revealed only traffic violations and business crimes. White-collar crime neighborhood, here I come!

Go us!

I would like to point out that, as of this morning, Armenia has two medals, which is more than 180 countries. This is exciting because my people are not the most athletic of the world's ethnic groups.

I'm not with him, so I must be against him

The cat has been trying to escape lately, by sprinting towards the door when it's opened. I think he believes he's meant for great things, but we're holding him back by keeping him in the house.
Of course, after watching him with bugs he finds in the house, I think we're doing the world a tremendous service by not letting him out. He doesn't kill insects, he just tortures them, batting them around with his paws and then giving me accusatory looks when I put them out of their misery. Well, cat, when you get your own house, you can violate the Geneva Conventions all you want!
Pictured: The dictator surveying his territory from above.

Go America!

You know what, French swim team? If you're going to talk trash, make sure you back it up with a win.
USA! USA!

Of course, I've had issues with the French ever since they made the Peanuts gang sleep outside that creepy chateau in Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown.

I love Snoopy.

Important lesson

Something I've recently learned:
If you happen to run out of beer while playing flip cup, switching to vodka to continue the game may indeed seem like a brilliant idea at the time, but is ultimately not the way to go.

I am ashamed

I was watching men's gymnastics when NBC did an interview with Jonathan Horton. My first thought was, "Jonathan Horton Hears a Who!".
I clearly have a future writing clues for Jeopardy!.

OUTRAGE

From the swimming commentators: "If you're a young girl and you're not cheering for Hannah Miley, well..."

Hannah Miley is Australian. I demand an investigation into why our swimming announcers are encouraging our children to root against Americans.

Stay strong, winners!

They're not eating Happy Meals because they lost, they lost because they eat Happy Meals!

I could go for a sausage McGriddles, btw.

Independence isn't for everyone

Listen, Hungary, until you can design an outfit for the Opening Ceremonies that doesn't look like wallpaper, it's back to Austria you go.

And you couldn't even mention Sun Yat-sen

Both of my parents held MAs in History, and both taught at the high school level for a number of years. It's not surprising that I inherited a love of history from them, especially since they both had such a strong passion for their chosen field.

My father in particular had a special interest in East Asian history, sparked by his service as a Marine in WWII. Before I came along, my parents traveled throughout Asia together, and he got to reconcile what he had learned in the 30 years since returning from the Pacific Theater with the sights of the continent.

His readings and first-hand experiences culminated in a trip to Taiwan, when he came upon a statue of Chiang Kai-shek, hero of Nationalist China. Now, my father was hardly a communist, but believed Chiang to be a thief. As such, he marched up to the statue in the middle of the square, looked up at it, and exclaimed, "All right, you son of a bitch, where'd you hide the money?!?"

My mother always expressed amazement that they left Taiwan in one piece.

Celebrating in style

I'm sure that most of you will be getting together with friends tomorrow to watch the Opening Ceremonies from Beijing. As a seasoned hostess, I thought I'd share some helpful tips and guidelines for your Olympic parties:

Ask your guests to leave their "Free Tibet" signs and stickers at home. Better yet, avoid inviting anyone who may own such propaganda.

I hope I don't have to remind you that your portrait of Mao should be prominently displayed! Remember to pick up candles and fresh flowers to put underneath it.

Upon arrival to the house, have your guests make a "great leap forward" over the picture of Chiang Kai-shek you have taped to the floor.

Help your guests understand how rigorous the Chinese educational system is. Ask them to arrive 3 hours before the start of the ceremonies for a quick exam on Chinese history. Let only those who score in the top 10% stay.

Create an atmosphere akin to that of Beijing! Invite any cigar and cigarette smokers you may know over for an old-fashioned smokers' party tomorrow afternoon. Keep the windows closed for the perfect effect.

Who doesn't enjoy a good party game? Rename your hallway "Tienanmen Square," ask one of your friends to dress as a tank, and use commercial breaks to have spirited games of chicken between him and your guests. The person who remains in place the longest gets to be "re-educated" by cleaning up after the party!

Keep the party alive after the ceremonies have ended! Spend the next few hours reading (and re-reading) aloud from The Little Red Book. Announce that you will be dropping by their homes for random quizzes during the Games!

I'll find you!

Due to certain events that have occurred today, I am now aware of several resources that can be used to track down Canadians or people residing in Canada.
Just a reminder that I'm difficult to escape.

Finally facing my Waterloo?

Jess and I saw Mamma Mia! last night, and her dream is now to go to Greece. Mine is to be in a production of Mamma Mia!.

I've had a lot of new hopes and dreams regarding work lately, but they all keep getting shot down. I can't transfer to the Paris office, I can't start an advice column for our unit's intranet page, I can't wear suede pants on the job. I like my boss and all, but his refusal to compromise on these issues has disappointed me.

You should have seen the pants with ducks

My father had a unique sense of style, as you can see from this picture:
He was also retired for 26 years. If he'd had a little more drive (and perhaps had not had a child to raise) he could have easily written a book.

So I present selected chapters from the hypothetical work, Pastels, Plaids, and Prints: A Fashion Guide for Real Men.

“Sport Coats and Sweaters: How I Successfully Avoided Ties After Retirement”

“When Navy Blue is Considered Wild: Understanding Your In-Laws”

“Lars on Top, Ralph on the Bottom: Dressing to Celebrate your Cultural Heritage”

“Cigar Holes Add Character! Responding to the Fashion Police”

“Neon Green Pants with Pastel Pink Shirts: Breaking Away from Garanimals”

“Walk On the Cuffs: Tips to Avoid Paying for Alterations”

And of course:

“Get the Heck Out of Delaware, Our Roads Weren't Built for Out-of-Staters!”*

*This has nothing to do with fashion, but was perhaps my father’s most passionate sentiment.

I guess they may as well try

I've never been to the Netherlands, but I doubt that all of France will fit in The Hague.

THEY'RE COMING FOR US!

My boss mentioned this article in passing today, with only a note of mild interest. I wonder how many others will regard this fact as simply a neat discovery? Have none of you seen Planet of the Apes? Now that Charlton Heston's no longer with us, the primates clearly think we're weak and ripe for conquest.

Boycott!

As I've gotten older, I've started eating more oatmeal. I've also gotten grumpier and more prone to complaining. This combination has led to the following issue:

Have you ever purchased a variety box of fruit and cream oatmeal? Have you noticed the counts of each flavor? There are, invariably, 2 strawberry, 2 blueberry, 2 banana, and 4 peach. This is a problem for me, as I enjoy all the flavors BUT peach. I can buy a whole box of strawberries and cream, but they don't sell blueberry and banana in any other packaging. This is especially significant because I've found that dry blueberries and cream oatmeal mixed with yogurt tastes like Fruity Pebbles, and, as such, would prefer to eat this combination rather often. If they would change it to 4 strawberry and 2 peach, I'm sure they would not suffer from a decline in sales, as, let's face it, who the hell prefers peaches to strawberries?*

Well, I once got fed up of having packages and packages of peaches and cream oatmeal left over and sent a helpful suggestion to the people at Quaker Oats. They claim that they have no market data to support my argument. I call BS, and have staunchly refused to purchase their products since.

I also now understand why my father refused to send me to Friends.


*If you do, in fact, prefer peaches to strawberries, please stop reading this blog. You are clearly not someone with whom I wish to associate.

Neglected, as always

My cousin and his wife put together a nice family calendar each year, with all of our birthdays and anniversaries marked. We’re a rather large group, so this helps us all keep track of who celebrates what and when.

Now, my birthday is on an awkward date. If it falls on a weekend, as it did this year, it ends up being Memorial Day weekend, so most people are out of town or preoccupied with other things. Therefore, it’s always nice when people remember to wish me a happy birthday. I certainly didn’t expect ALL of my family to call/email/send a card, but, I thought to myself, surely my four sets of aunts and uncles would mark the occasion! Especially since they’ve had almost a whole month of seeing it on the calendar! And definitely to celebrate a milestone birthday of their youngest niece!

Well, the day came and went, and three of these couples did congratulate me on another year well-lived. The other pair? “Well,” I thought, “they’re older. Maybe they misplaced the calendar. Or perhaps they put it somewhere out of the way. I’m sure they have a reason.” You see, this is just how understanding and forgiving a person I am.

Cut to three weeks later, and I’m celebrating Father’s Day with this particular aunt and uncle. I say something about how my birthday had just passed, and my uncle says, “Oh, yeah, I saw that.”
…
…
I’ve since come to find out that they keep the calendar on the fridge. I can just imagine the conversation they had back in May:
"Oh, look, M Slash’s birthday is this Saturday."
"Really? How about that...what do we have coming up next week, anything?"

There was also a lot of big band music

People often ask me what it was like growing up with older parents. I don’t know what to compare it to, so I just say it was normal. What made my childhood different, I think, was that my father was retired, and therefore stayed home with me every day. He was very much a man of routine, and every weekday until I went to school full-time we followed the same schedule. We would go to the park, where I would enjoy the swings and slides and he would enjoy the cigars that he wasn’t allowed to smoke in the house. On the ride back home, we would make stops at the Acme, the cigar store, and, if the horses were running that day, his bookie. Oddly, I was never allowed out of the car for that one.
After lunch? I was given a choice: we could watch either The Rockford Files or Perry Mason. If I didn’t want to see either, I could go upstairs and read. This probably explains why I went through so many books as a child. And also why I’m so fond of James Garner.

I will never understand the South

While Jess and I were waiting for Jon outside the pub Saturday evening, we saw a car with three young gentlemen coming down the road. All of a sudden, we heard a voice saying, "Holla at them!" and then someone yelling that it was his friend's birthday. I wished him a happy birthday, and then, as I suppose is customary in Virginia, one of them flashed his nipple at us.
We then decided to wait inside.

$1.35 per block

I'm going to a metro stop today that I've never been to before, so I went to the WMATA website to figure out how long it would take. I put in the Friendship Heights station as the starting point, and this was the first portion of the itinerary I was given:

BUS:
DEPARTS FROM: NW Wisconsin and NW Western AV
AT: 4:45 PM

ARRIVES: Friendship Heights Station
AT: 4:45 PM

For non-metro area people, the Friendship Heights stop is located at NW Wisconsin and NW Western Avenues. I know you need to raise revenues, Metro, but there must be better ways.

Question

If buying a knockoff purse from a street vendor is supporting the terrorists, then is buying a knockoff Obama for President hat from a street vendor doubly supporting the terrorists?

3/4 Life Crisis

Yesterday, I received a notice in the mail with the following message:

"You will soon be in a unique position when you turn 65. You will be in your 'Open Enrollment' period. This means you can choose any Medigap, Medicare Advantage, or Prescription Drug plan without medical questions. The right choices can save you hundreds of dollars each year. Don't delay, you only have one 'Open Enrollment.'
Information provided by: Medicare Supplement Insurance Services"

The first thought I had was: "My God, I'm 64, and what the hell have I done with my life?"

But that was quickly followed by the realization that someone owes me three years of Social Security.

He may be a bit of an attention whore

I was home alone the other night, and, since we only have another month left together, thought the cat and I could have some quality time. He wasn't anywhere to be seen, so I called and called his name. He finally walked to the bottom of the steps and gave me a look that clearly said, "Jesus Christ, WHAT? Is the house on fire? Did someone die? Did I run out of food?" No amount of calling could get him up the steps, until I said, "I showed your picture to people at work today, and they all commented on how handsome you are!" He then raced up the stairs to hear more about his adoring fans.