Celebrating in style

I'm sure that most of you will be getting together with friends tomorrow to watch the Opening Ceremonies from Beijing. As a seasoned hostess, I thought I'd share some helpful tips and guidelines for your Olympic parties:

Ask your guests to leave their "Free Tibet" signs and stickers at home. Better yet, avoid inviting anyone who may own such propaganda.

I hope I don't have to remind you that your portrait of Mao should be prominently displayed! Remember to pick up candles and fresh flowers to put underneath it.

Upon arrival to the house, have your guests make a "great leap forward" over the picture of Chiang Kai-shek you have taped to the floor.

Help your guests understand how rigorous the Chinese educational system is. Ask them to arrive 3 hours before the start of the ceremonies for a quick exam on Chinese history. Let only those who score in the top 10% stay.

Create an atmosphere akin to that of Beijing! Invite any cigar and cigarette smokers you may know over for an old-fashioned smokers' party tomorrow afternoon. Keep the windows closed for the perfect effect.

Who doesn't enjoy a good party game? Rename your hallway "Tienanmen Square," ask one of your friends to dress as a tank, and use commercial breaks to have spirited games of chicken between him and your guests. The person who remains in place the longest gets to be "re-educated" by cleaning up after the party!

Keep the party alive after the ceremonies have ended! Spend the next few hours reading (and re-reading) aloud from The Little Red Book. Announce that you will be dropping by their homes for random quizzes during the Games!