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What does driving on 95 over Thanksgiving have in common with going out to eat on Mother's Day? In both cases, you're joined by tons of people who only do it once a year. And who have no idea how to behave.

A thought

When Metro starts distributing the special farecards for the Inauguration, they should think about putting signs up that say DON'T PUT EXACT CHANGE ON THE CARD. Or else I foresee many angry tourists.

Big day!

Friends, my fame has reached a new level. This weekend, I was alerted to the fact that people are starting to make bets about my preferences. In this particular case, the president of Alabama chapter of the M Slash Fan Club was arguing with her brother about whether my favorite D1A college football team was Penn State or Maryland (it's Penn State), and decided to bet $5 and then ask me. Perhaps I should consider releasing a compendium of facts to resolve such disputes without resorting to text messages. Beware, though, there may be false information out there. Look for the M/ label on official products.

Wait, from DC to Bethesda?!?

As I was driving yesterday, I was listening to some Christmas music on 99.5 WJBR (Wilmington's easy listening station). After the song ended, they aired their hourly "this is who we are" bit, as radio stations do. Along with their slogan and call letters, they then listed the areas in which one can receive their signal. Usually, stations choose pairs of cities at the far reaches of the area, to show how strong and mighty the signal is. WJBR, on the other hand, chose to remind their listeners that you can hear them "from Newark to Newport!"


View Larger Map

Google maps tells me that will take you 17 minutes.

Helpful Tip! (I'm surprised, too)

I make a mean flan, and so often buy cans of sweetened condensed milk. Something I've noticed through the years, and that is true for every supermarket I've checked, is that this product is ALWAYS cheaper in the Hispanic Foods aisle than in the Baking Needs aisle.

Evidence (Both products are distributed by Nestle):

I have a witness!

As I was walking back from the break room with my usual post-lunch cup of coffee, I noticed a strange ticking noise. "Huh," I thought. "That's weird." Assuming it was the temperamental heating/cooling system, I continued on my way. When I rounded the corner to my hallway, I realized the ticking was still present. It was at this point that I held the cup up to my ear and realized my coffee was ticking.

What does this mean? Has someone invented a rather impressive bomb that involves Flavia packets? Did I commit some grave offense against a coffee bean, and this is my own Tell-Tale Heart?

Uhhhh

There is something very disturbing about sitting next to someone at Borders who's reading The Essential Hitler. And no, I was not sitting next to myself, as someone asked.

Guess how many I've bought!

Since we’re a mere five weeks from Christmas, I know you're all starting to think about what to buy your loved ones. I thought I’d throw out a few ideas you may not have thought of:

1) Do you know someone who’s tried to enjoy the writings of Borges, but who wished there were a way to both read his works AND understand what the hell he’s talking about? Or have you ever someone say, “I wonder what Borges thought about King Kong?” Then perhaps you should consider Borges: Selected Non-fictions. He writes “like a subequatorial Camus, with a dash of Siskel and Ebert on the side.” Why, just take a peek at the first paragraph from his essay, “The Nothingness of Personality”:

I want to tear down the exceptional preeminence now generally awarded to the self, and I pledge to be spurred on by concrete certainty, and not the caprice of an ideological ambush or a dazzling intellectual prank. I propose to prove that personality is a mirage maintained by conceit and custom, without metaphysical foundation or visceral reality. I want to apply to literature the consequences that issue from these premises, and erect upon them an aesthetic hostile to the psychologism inherited from the last century, sympathetic to the classics, yet encouraging to today’s most unruly tendencies.

Now, who wouldn’t like to curl up with 520 pages of that on a snowy evening?!? *

2) Putting books online is so 2007. Prove you're up on the latest trends by giving someone a book based on a website! Finally, a way have a bit of the internet wherever you go!

3) If you've got some money to spare, and want to throw this fact in other people's faces, this book should be first on your list. Please think to include a stand for displaying it.

4) In the new economy, we may need to stock up on goods for a new career:

4a) This will be useful for many trips to the store or bank

4b) Great vehicle if you must leave your safehouse after the rioting starts

4c) Not all of us may be able to afford hot water. These figures may underestimate demand, so there's an opening in the market!

5) Finally, if you know someone who's always secretly wanted hot-pink hair, but who doesn't have the guts to walk around with it, here's a solution!

* If you are unfamiliar with the prose of J.L. Borges (and even if you're not!), check out one of my most favorite pieces on McSweeney's.

An Open Letter

Dear Obama Supporters Hoping to Come for the Inauguration,

Hello.

I write this letter out of concern. The latest projection of how many of you fine citizens will arrive in our fair city is 1.5 million. One point five million people descending on DC. Now, it's not that I don't understand the desire to be here for the event. When Obama won, I was thrilled by the idea of being so close to history in January. But then reality set in, and I decided I better get the hell out of town. It seems as though many of the area's residents have come to the same realization, as you can see from a quick glance at Craigslist.

So, out-of-towners hoping to score housing for the 20th, stop and ask yourself, "Why are so many people from DC willing to give up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Even if they voted for McCain, isn't this the kind of thing people inside the Beltway would kill to see?"

Here's the answer: because we know just how insane that weekend is going to be. It'll be like the 4th of July and every day of the Cherry Blossom festival put together, times 20. The odds of actually getting close enough to see anything are so long it's not worth giving up a warm house and a tv. I'm willing to wager that a good amount of the metro stops downtown will be closed, making the system even more hectic and confusing for novice riders. Traffic will be an absolute nightmare. Security will be worse.

My suggestion? Stay home. Take the day off work and have a party.

Yours,

M Slash

No diamonds this year, ladies!

Have you seen the Kay Jewelers ad with the guy giving his wife/girlfriend a watch for Christmas? I think this is even more depressing than the standard "man gives diamonds because they equal love" commercials of previous years. Is this a result of the economic crisis? Have the started airing the ads early this year to prepare women for the probable lack of diamonds under the tree? In this new reality, will women have to settle for engagement watches? At least they won't have to be re-sized!

A varied curriculum is best

I've written before about my father's unique take on life, and I came across another example recently. When he was a high school football coach in the 50s and early 60s, he also taught history. Now, his teaching method was a little radical for the times, and occasionally this got him into trouble with the head of the department. Concerned about his style, she would sometimes sit in on his classes to monitor. On one such day, Dad had the door to his classroom open, and all of a sudden a football came flying into the room as someone in the hall yelled, "Hey, Coach!"

She was not amused.

Needless to say, she found it necessary to drop in again. Well, she must have decided to do so without warning, as she came into the class one day to find the devoted teacher showing football films. He claimed it was "current events" day.

But the best story from these years involved an exam he gave to a particularly social group of students. Tired of their chatting during class, he gave them a test with the following questions:

What was the most important thing you did last weekend? Who accompanied you?

What did you wear? Did others approve of the style?

Were there any changes in relationships over the weekend? What was the reason?

What are your plans for this weekend, and whom will you be with? Who will be driving?

Name at least four things that you have done this month in the community: Include who was involved, what you wore, and where it occurred.

Please answer all questions in complete sentences. You may use the back of the page if you need more room.
GOOD LUCK!

Our quarterback, ladies and gentlemen

Oh, come on, Donovan! I knew a tie was possible in the NFL; I even remember the last time the Eagles played to one! (Against the Ravens in the short-lived Bobby Hoying Era)

Goodbye?

I have a milk crate in my front closet for storage and traveling purposes (excellent for carrying large amounts of alcohol to family vacations). The other day, I noticed that I may be in a bit of trouble:



Yes, that line at the bottom reads, "Use by other than owner punishable by law."
By "owner," do they mean owner of the dairy? Or owner of the milk crate?

I'm not quite sure how the crate ended up in my possession (although I have my suspicions), but now live in fear of the police showing up at my door and taking my crate from its loving home.

Hmmmmm

I need to come up with a Delaware-themed appetizer by tonight. The only things I can think of are soft pretzels, but I'd have to drive to a WaWa for the right kind (not that I mind, I always love a trip to WaWa). Tastykakes are desserts; I'm not cooking anything, so chicken's out; and I refuse to eat scrapple. Thoughts?

My day so far

I woke up at 4, tossed and turned until 5, got up to sleep on the futon, overslept my alarm by 50 minutes (still don't know how that happened, because I know I heard it go off), and just came thisclose to putting on one brown boot and one black one.

Yay Friday!

Estan listos???

If you'll allow me to indulge myself for a moment, the Latin Grammys are on tonight, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to post some songs from my favorite nominated artists from my favorite genre, el rock en español

Julieta Venegas, Ilusion


Molotov, Yofo


Babasonicos, Pijamas


And they're not nominated, but were last year, just released an album this week, and are my favorite band:
Zoe, No Me Destruyas

M Slash 2, Ignorance 0

Continuing my tradition of making bets based on my random knowledge of sports history, I had another victory Tuesday night. I forget how this came up in conversation, but all I know is that someone claimed that the Tennessee Titans changed their name as soon as they left Houston. I immediately challenged this statement, arguing that they were indeed known as the Tennessee Oilers for a short while (two seasons, it seems). After some yelling across the bar, and a visit to the team's Wikipedia page, I was vindicated. I even gave my free beer away to a guy who had agreed with me, because that's just how kind and generous I am.

SCONE WATCH: VICTORY IS OURS

Friends, exciting news today from the scone front. After an exhausting campaign, I received word that our comrade was finally able to enjoy a pumpkin scone from Starbucks. It seems as though Gloria has fulfilled her promise, although I must say that this ordeal has left me disillusioned with the company. Nevertheless, today is not the time for such negative thoughts. Enjoy the end of our long national struggle against the Man!

This explains a lot

Since it's Veterans Day, I thought I'd share a story about my father, who was a WWII vet. Not a tale about what he faced during the war, but rather one about how these years changed his life. Of course, the GI bill meant he was able to buy his parents a house and attend college, but one important consequence of his service in the Marines was something you may not expect. It got him a drivers license.

After he left the service, he enrolled at the University of Delaware and joined the football team. One summer, the chief of police in Rehoboth, a resort town on Delaware's coast, decided to hire some of the UD football players as seasonal cops. My dad went down there and worked with a few of his friends for the summer. Now, in order to be a Rehoboth policeman one had to have a valid drivers license. Dad didn't have one, so they sent him off to highway patrol headquarters to obtain one. As his friend put it, "After several hours of instruction and observation, including the car ending up in the center divider of the highway, the examiner said he would issue a license if [Dad] promised never to drive outside Rehoboth."

Some of my sisters have inherited these driving skills.

Sniff

The past eight years have provided us with many glorious moments, and here's another one, an excerpt from The Audacity of Hope that the Post printed today:

"Obama!" the President said, shaking my hand. "Come here and meet Laura. Laura, you remember Obama. We saw him on TV during election night. Beautiful family. And that wife of yours -- that's one impressive lady."

"We both got better than we deserve, Mr. President," I said, shaking the First Lady's hand and hoping that I'd wiped any crumbs off my face. The President turned to an aide nearby, who squirted a big dollop of hand sanitizer in the President's hand.

"Want some?" the President asked. "Good stuff. Keeps you from getting colds."

Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt.

I am going to miss him so much it hurts.

YAAAYYYY!!!!

FYI, 97.5 in Philadelphia has switched to their all-Christmas format! This means that it is now socially acceptable* for me to listen to holiday music with abandon. Pump up the Twisted Sister!

* I realize some of you believe it isn't acceptable until after Thanksgiving. I don't care.

I DEMAND RESTITUTION!

Last night, I made a horrifying discovery. It came to my attention that someone to whom I am related, and whom I admired greatly, has never seen A Charlie Brown Christmas. She claimed this failure is due to her "not being much of a Peanuts person."

Now, if you know me, you know that there are few things in this world that I love more than Snoopy. I was upset this year that I couldn't watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. One of my first toys was a Linus doll. I had a baby blanket with the Peanuts characters on it. My distrust of France started with the creepy chateau in Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown. Hell, when I was little, I begged my parents to buy a puny tree for Christmas, and, when they refused, I dragged it around the lot yelling, "I HAVE MY OWN MONEY! I'LL BUY IT!"

Needless to say, I am disturbed by this development. I found it apropos that, shortly after she made this statement, we watched the commercial featuring the Macy's Charlie Brown balloon beating Stewie and Underdog for the Coke balloon. Go Chuck!

Warrior!

It's only 1:30, but today has been marked by both great joy and tremendous horror.

For the good news, I filled up for $2.01 this morning in Newark! I feel like it's 2003 again, which makes me 5 years younger.

This feeling was short-lived, as I just took a look at the top songs in iTunes. Number 38 right now is a cover of "All Summer Long" by some group called The Rock Heroes, and off of their album....
A Salute to Kid Rock.

I feel dirty just typing that.

Endless love

Dear Readers,
I wish to share with you an email I recently received. As you can see below, my True Love has finally contacted me. I will let you know as soon as we set a date:

Good time of the day

Well, I've finally gathered all my braveness to write to you.. Even though you should know how hard it is to write a letter to a Stranger, whom you've never seen before and whom you don't know at all, but I truly believe that in this case, my perspective acquaintance with You is more than enough for an excuse:)
Truly speaking, I have thought in the past of such an option, to meet someone through the letter, but I wasn't brave enough for this. I guess, I am still not brave enough, but my wish to be happy and to be loved is overfilling my heart and head. I am not a complicated person, nor simple. I am an individual, that's for sure. I don't know what your character is and how you look like, most important is that I am not going to change you. I want to like you as you are and just be happy. I can answer to you at
http://ThePleasureLife.com/honeywithme/ and will be happy if our relations continue.
Bye

Uly M.

OK ! (?)

When did people start putting spaces before punctuation marks, specifically exclamation points? I've seen many an email lately that looks like this: Thanks !

I'm baffled. It seems to be affecting people of various age groups and with high levels of education. It's not even an over correction, like when people say they "feel badly" instead of "feel bad" because they think the adverb is the right way to go.* Since there's no common punctuation mark that I can think of that needs a space before it, I don't understand where it's coming from.

*It isn't, by the way. If you regret something, you feel bad about it. If you have problems feeling, then you feel badly.

WARNING: LANGUAGE

On live TV:

AMEN, Chase. Amen.