Hmmm

My coworker said the following last week:

"I'm thinking about cashing out my retirement plan, paying off my house and my loans, so then if the bank crashes, what do I care?"

That idea's looking better and better every day, isn't it? Maybe I'll end up like the grandparents I never knew, who kept their money in the floorboards in their house. My grandfather was also a bootlegger in Prohibition, so it was clearly one good idea after another with that man.

You can see New Jersey from Delaware

I saw many campaign signs and stickers in the First State this weekend, but the best was the person who had created his own bumper sticker by combining two. It looked something like this:

OBAMA
DELAWARE'S JOE BIDEN

I can't judge; I would do the same if I had the means.

JESUS CHRISTMAS

If the Eagles defense were to murder the entire offense after this game, I would understand and completely support their decision.

I am a joiner

I wore three different wristbands this weekend for three different events. This was a highlight of my month.

Beerfest at Victory was a good time, as I got both a keepsake mug AND a t-shirt. Also, the whole place erupted when they announced the Phillies were division champs. I love being in the Philadelphia area for such things. After we left, two of us bored everyone else by spending an hour playing the American Idol video game. Note: "More Than a Feeling" is a surprisingly difficult choice.

A word of warning

Dear old roommate's new roommate,

It has come to my attention that you are exposing a young, impressionable child to traumatizing and disgusting things such as Jackass 2. This darling baby should not be watching such movies:



Please think about the examples you're setting.

Thank you,

M Slash

P.S. Let's do karaoke again soon.

Line of the night

"Whatever, you just want to put a dollar in my pocket!"

Why, yes, I do!

Anyway, we enjoyed the debate here at the M Slash compound, although one of us could not get over McCain wearing that striped tie. Apparently, it's not something you "do" on TV. Do all men know this, or is my friend part of a small set?

The oatmeal chocolate chip cookies were delicious, and thanks to all who ventured over. To my lamest of lame friends, who changed his mind at the last minute because he didn't "want to get caught in the rain," you have been in DC too long. Better start stocking up on milk and bread; winter may bring snow!

Housewarming!

The Phillies are going to be the death of me, I know it.

Today is my apartment's grand opening, as I'm having some friends over to watch the debate.* It's only my closest friends, those who won't judge me for still not having my bedroom set up and there being boxes everywhere. I have red, white and blue potato chips to celebrate our nation, as well as hummus and pita bread because we are liberal commies who want the terrorists to win. Oh, and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, because they are delicious.

I do have enough seating for everyone, as I made sure to put together the sturdier chairs for my friend who's the first of us to turn 26 next week. He needs some good back support in his old age.

*Or the two hours of dead air that will be on in its place.

SCONE WATCH: ZERO HOUR

I sing of arms and the man, he who, exiled by fate,
first came from the coast of Troy to Italy, and to
Lavinian shores – hurled about endlessly by land and sea,
by the will of the gods, by cruel Juno's remorseless anger,
long suffering also in war, until he founded a city
and brought his gods to Latium: from that the Latin people
came, the lords of Alba Longa, the walls of noble Rome.

Muse, tell me the cause: how was she offended in her

divinity,

how was she grieved, the Queen of Heaven, to drive a man,
noted for virtue, to endure such dangers, to face so many
trials? Can there be such anger in the minds of the gods?

-Vergil, The Aeneid, Book 1:1-11

Friends, I bring you a message from our long-suffering scone-lover:

"I have some harrowing news to report. I visited Starbucks this morning only to find the pumpkin loaf was out but no scone. I inquired about the scone and the surly Barista told me that Starbucks will not be carrying them this year. When I replied that I had spoken with powers higher up, he told me to petition them again. I tried to call headquarters and this time no answer of quality. (Not even transfer to the right department or to the elusive Gloria) Sad to report, I'm saturated in disappointment as I feel as though Starbucks has lied to me. If the Barista is in fact telling the truth than my disappointment will soon turn to disillusionment with Starbucks as an institution. As the disturbed Fortunato once stated 'I can bear a thousand injuries but not a single insult.' (Paraphrasing of course) I am now wavering on the line of insult with Starbucks. I beg that you plead my case to the public sphere and appeal to the benevolent nature of Starbucks where perhaps the faithful corporation will redress my grievance with the utmost expediency. While I have lost faith in my daily grind, I certainly have not lost faith in the system of collective appeal. Given the grave nature of this situation, I would still prefer to remain shrouded from public eyes as I can continue to advocate for the sanctity of the scone. "

As you can see, the situation has reached a critical point. Our comrade above has been forced to leave his job, so dedicated is he to the noble search. I urge you all to contact your local Starbucks branch(es) and demand they serve this classic fall treat.

A warning

Trivia night yesterday went well for the first four rounds, and then crashed, burned and died in a horrible incident that will go down in history as "The Second Music Round." It was rather reminiscent of the Mets' performance down the stretch these last two years. Anyway, I have received promises that the slackers who missed this week will show up next Tuesday, and they better do so, or guess whose requests for leave this holiday season will go straight into the deleted folder.

Love you all.

Anyone want it?

Regarding my sister's comment to my post about the weird dreams I've been having lately, I think she's onto something there. I've never been one to believe in ghosts or the like, but it would explain the mystery of the turkey from last Thanksgiving.

See, no one in the family offered to host the holiday, and since I suddenly had a house with no one living in it, I decided to have the celebration there. My aunt arranged to arrive early with the turkey so I wouldn't have to worry about buying or roasting one.

I had spent quite a few weekends previous to the holiday at the house, and one of the first things I did was to clean out the fridge and freezer. I left butter and bread in there, and perhaps a popsicle or two. That was it. When I woke up Thanksgiving morning, however, there was a turkey sitting on the top shelf of the freezer. I swear to God that had not been there the night before, and everyone I asked promised they didn't drop one off overnight.

I still have no explanations for that turkey, but maybe someone couldn't stop himself from making one last trip to the Acme. If I come home one day to find iced tea, pretzels, and peach ice cream, I'll know for sure.

Beautiful

This sign is currently posted outside the 13th street entrance to Metro Center:



Now I understand why it takes them so long to resolve actual problems, if they can leave this sign up for over a week.

Glaring omissions

I didn't watch much of the Emmys last night, but I did see Josh Groban's "tribute" to classic theme songs:


The first thing that jumped out at me, of course, was the absence of this masterpiece:


And this one:



And THIS?



I could do this all day, you know.

I'm literal, people

I don't know if it's all the drugs in the DC water supply, but I've been having some strange dreams lately. I'm not the best at interpreting them, so I usually wake up confused as all hell. There've been a few featuring my parents, but I don't think it's their way of communicating with me beyond the grave, since in none of them has my father yelled at me for having both the heat and the fan on at the same time. And believe me, that would be the first thing he'd bring up. Well, that and asking if I was planning on keeping that paper from two days ago for posterity or did I not have the time to throw it out?

I think my subconscious has deduced that I'm not capable of comprehending its mysterious ways, because why am I dreaming that someone's kids are being yelled at for singing in music class? Especially when I don't even like this particular person?

Anyway, last night I was in a half-asleep stage in which I recognized that I had a headache, but was still dreaming. In one dream, I said, "I have a headache. I'm going to take some Excedrin." That apparently wasn't enough, because I then had another dream that featured the same line, repeated a couple of times. Eventually, I woke up fully and thought, "You know? Maybe I should get some Excedrin."

Of course, this was at 3:30, and I couldn't go back to sleep. Damn dreams.

Recent texts from friends

"Ugh i hate that mask...take it off" *
"Im gonna have nightmares! Damn yoouu!!" *
"Lol!!! What is wrong with people?????" **
"Oo yeah haha its a lock walkin on the moon for me"
"I'd make an excellent defensive end!"
"You seem to make arch enemies quite easily-good luck!"
"Its the king of all bagged pickles"
"I will eat your baby"

* In reference to this picture:


** No punctuation marks were added to this comment

Success! (?)

I now have a dining table and chairs! I'm not sure how steady the table is, because I couldn't get the screws in all the way, so I may not be having many dinner parties, but it'll look nice, at least.

WTF?

Can someone please explain to me why, as of 12:35 PM, 12 of the 24 bestselling items in Amazon's apparel section have to do with Pepsi? I mean, am I supposed to believe that this:

is the most popular apparel item on the site?
P.S. OK, apparently, they're having some sort of deal with "Pepsi Points," but come on people, at least go for the beach towel. Also, please think about your life.

The height of awesome

As part of my ongoing quest to be the coolest person you know, I got home last night at 6, cooked myself some bacon, eggs and toast, and then went to sleep for 2 hours. I woke up long enough to watch the finale of The Office that I missed last spring and to make sure the Phillies won (woot!), and then promptly went back to bed. And by "bed" I mean the futon in my living room I've been sleeping on these past three weeks as my bedroom is still a work in progress. Actually, my entire apartment is still a work in progress, but I've now got one of the chairs from IKEA put together, so the number of people who can sit comfortably when visiting has increased by 33.3%. I hope to raise it at least another 25% this weekend, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

A recent conversation

Someone after breaking up with her boyfriend- "OH, the worst is going to be on facebook, when it says I'm now single and has a broken heart next to it."

Me, nodding, - "Yeah, I know how that feels. When Jess moved out, we went from 'in an open relationship' to 'it's complicated.' But before she accepted, we were listed as having broken up."

See, don't ever think I can't understand your pain.

A special message

I wore this shirt to my family reunion last Saturday, and it was well-received. People clamored for a picture with me, nobody minded when I chased my 16-year-old cousin around the house yelling that it was the most true thing I had ever non-verbally said about him, and my aunt joked to her niece that I'd be standing next to her all day. My friend who came with me commented, "It's a good thing your family thinks this is funny, because mine would be horrified." I told the story to someone else yesterday, and he stated that it wouldn't go over well with his relatives, either. So, dear family of mine, thank you for letting me call you all whores. It's things like that that have made me who I am today.

It's about time!

I finally had success requesting a song at kickball last night, although my first question ("Do you have any Pat Benatar?") received a "no" response, he did have some Eddie Money (and what kind of DJ has Eddie Money and not Pat Benatar?). The bar seemed to enjoy "Take Me Home Tonight" almost as much as Journey and Miley Cyrus. Again, the jukebox on the top floor is the place to go, especially after the waiter puts in a bunch of money. We're friends now, though, so it's cool.

We lost again, but I had a heroic sacrifice kick that advanced one runner from 1st to 3rd. There were cops stationed behind homeplate the entire game, but after another team bribed them with candy, they apparently said, "Oh, go ahead and drink and have fun, we don't care." I have to wonder what they were doing there, then, because aren't there bigger problems in this city than cleaning up the kickball leagues? Or chaperoning them?

Anyway, one teammate tried to get me to join this running group that involves drinking, but I draw the line at actual athletics. My people are not runners; there's a reason Armenians only medal in weightlifting and wrestling.

Who's "Stevie Micks"?

Our second attempt at trivia went much better than the first, and our team is growing each week. My arch nemesis from the previous week failed to return, so I am declaring myself the victor in our feud.

In another note, I find myself enjoying those Jerry Seinfeld-Bill Gates ads, even though I'm not a big fan of either. I guess Microsoft understands that your ads should NOT make you seem obnoxious and arrogant. You can learn from them, Apple.

I would do nothing different

I just ate a hot fudge sundae from McDonald's.
Now I feel slightly sick.
I regret nothing.

And I wonder how their pumpkin shakes are.

Someone invent a time machine!

You may remember the traumatic experience of my youth that I described here. This came up at our reunion on Saturday, and my aunt is adamant that it never happened. My defense is fourfold:

1) I have a distinct memory of hearing this tune while in the car with the two cousins directly older than I
2)No one else remembers it because it wasn't BURNED INTO THEIR MEMORIES as such a horrifying experience
3) I don't have the imagination or creativity to invent such things
4) Even though some of our relatives either have no recollection or only a vague one, when asked if they would be surprised to learn it was true, responses were 100% "weelll....no, you have a point."

I rest my case.

Public Service Announcement

OK, Google searchers, I tried to ignore what you might have meant when you searched for "slash loves animals?" but I'm afraid I can't stay silent any longer. Whoever searched for the phrase "slash with animals", please seek help. You have problems.
Thank you.

You forgot "expensive"

I know I've been slightly disturbed by things the children in my family do at times, and so I was again at our reunion on Saturday. My nine-year-old cousin came dressed in a suit, with a button that said, "Hey little girl, want a piece of CANDY?"

Yes.

In brighter news, everyone loved my new shirt:There are many pictures of me wearing it next to family members, from age 15 to 73.

Thanks

My FAVORITE AUNT giving advice to two fairly young, single cousins:

"Well, just don't think about how old you are. Someone will come up! And you know, if not, you guys have each other. A couple of dogs, a couple of cats, that'll be nice!"

I'm disappointed

One of the headlines in the Economist this week is: "Kim Jong Ill or Kim Jong Well?"

Really? That's the best you could do?

And I'm blogging from my FAVORITE AUNT'S HOUSE

CRAAAAAAAAAAB FEASSSSSSST!!!!!!!!

I am out of town this weekend for my family's annual Crab Feast. Now, you may be saying, "Isn't Armenia landlocked? Why would you have a reunion centered around seafood?"*

My family is a bit odd.

Anyway, I hope a gathering of 60 Armenians and Armenian-lovers will generate some good stories, even if I have to take things into my own hands and double the amount of tequila in the margaritas.**

*You are most likely not saying this, as the vast majority of you likely don't know where Armenia is. I don't fault you for that.

**We're also part Mexican***

***Not really. But, yes, sort of.

New (new) goal

After a conversation about our Myers-Briggs types this morning, a few of us decided to re-take the test to see if we'd changed. My results came with a list of recommended careers, and I must say that one of them intrigues me:

"Military, business administrators, managers, police/detective work, judges, financial officers, teachers, sales representatives, government workers, insurance agents, underwriters, nursing administrators, trade and technical teachers, mafia dons"

Finally! My life has some direction!

New goal

The past two weeks, I've tried to request songs at the bar after kickball. I have yet to be successful. I think I may have gotten an "in" yesterday, though, because I supported the DJ in his refusal to play John Denver*. He told me to bring him a list of songs and he'd burn them. If we aren't dancing to Big Country by the end of the season, I will have to label it a failure.

*Yes, John Denver. He asked for "Take Me Home, Country Roads" and you should have seen the look on the DJ's face. He then tried to guilt-trip him into playing it by saying that there were a lot of people there from Iowa and Nebraska. It was at this point that I piped up with, "But 'Country Roads' is about West Virginia." The DJ folded his arms, shook his head, and said, "She does have a point."

YES! (Part 2)

Someone was sent to this blog through a search for "pants with ducks."
MY FATHER LIVES ON!

Oh, and to the mystery Googler: please don't.

Are you near Dutch Wonderland?!?

One of my trivia opponents informed me, rather adamantly, that "Solutions Architect" is a valid job title. I would like to explain that, while I don't doubt the importance of such a position, I find the name of it ridiculous. He also had some strong feelings about blogs, not so much about the people who right about the little things in life, but about those who read and comment about them. He thinks they have too much time on their hands. Never fear, faithful readers, I stuck up for you!

Moving on.

Trivia night was a good time, as we had a nice showing for there only being three of us. I made friends with a very nice team called the Phillies, who were unfortunately playing like the Phillies circa 1997. There was actually a good-sized contingent of people from the Philadelphia area, and I realized how nice it is to be around others who know how to pronounce "Lancaster."

YES!

Way to go, Delaware Democrats! Oh, and, Ruth Ann? Shut up. Carney was a horrible candidate, and it's about time we had some change from 16 years of Carper/Minner/Carney. I'm tired of the same half dozen people exchanging one job for another. And I'll be very happy not to have a governor who'll need to "check with his bishop" about legislation.

WANT!

Someone appears to have recently been hired at my place of employment with the title "Solutions Architect." (No, I don't work for the government)

I wish to change my title to this immediately. I think I would be rather good at laying the blueprints for solutions while not actually solving anything.

Sorry!

Apparently Jess and I were talking right over Britney's first acceptance speech, when she DID in fact thank her kids. Some die-hard Spears fans have jumped to her defense.
Anyway, she didn't thank them in the next two acceptances. I maintain that I am 2/3 correct!

WTF?

Did any of you watch Jeopardy! Monday night? WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT NEW FINAL JEOPARDY MUSIC? I think we should start an email campaign. Who's with me?!?

Beat this!

I think I got the best hit from a Google search today, when someone was directed to my very first post via a search for "slash loves animals?"

I have no idea if Slash loves animals, but, judging by his appearance on the VMAs Sunday night, I don't think he loves Linkin Park.

Well, I guess...

Jess, after Britney failed to thank her kids during the VMAs last night:
"Well, she gave up custody, so it's not like she really HAS kids anymore, anyway."

I started early

As many of you know, I'm rather fond of sunglasses. Well, I've recently found proof that it's not my fault; it was ingrained in me at an early age by my mother:



I was clearly the coolest infant around.

Things I've always wondered

Don't the people at Apple realize that in the "I'm a Mac-I'm a PC" commercials, PC is the MUCH more likable character? He's funny and self-deprecating, while Mac is an arrogant, condescending ass. Who on Earth do they think we'd rather hang out with?

An endearing moment

There was a delay on the red line Friday evening (shocking!) and the platform at Metro Center was a tad crowded by the time I got there. The conductor of the first train pulled the old "Please don't crowd the train, there's another one right behind this one." When, of course, no train arrived in the next five minutes, the gentleman next to me exclaimed, "That guy said there was another train right behind it!" and looked at me in disbelief. I gently informed him that this is fairly typical for DC, and, distraught, he looked at the empty tracks and said, "He lied to me!"

It took all of my self-control not to say, "You're new to the area, aren't you, sir?"

I LOVE BROADWAY!

Kate and I spent Saturday evening doing karaoke at Savannah's in Kensington while Jess had to work. Now, Savannah's is not the classiest of bars, although it is hardly a dive. But based on the suburban area on Connecticut Ave that surrounds it, and the muliple Budweiser signs in the windows, you'd know right away that the selection isn't going to be extensive. At least, I would hope you would.

Halfway through the night, a young man came in with two women. The girls sat down, and he told them that he was going to the bar "for a pitcher of Stella" (he did have to explain to one of them what "Stella" was short for). Thirty seconds later, he was back at the table: "OK, they only have Budweiser, Miller Lite, and Sierra Nevada."

He was probably disappointed. I, however, was impressed that they have Sierra Nevada on tap. Keep your expectations low, people!

Anyway, I sang four songs last night. In order, they were:

"Kids in America"


"Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)"


"You Keep Me Hanging On" (I'm on a Kim Wilde kick, apparently)


And finally, a duet with Kate: "Opposites Attract"

I was concerned!

You may be aware that it rained a bit on the east coast today. I knew that someone in my immediate family was going on a camping trip this weekend, and yesterday I politely inquired about her plans. When I discovered the trip was still on, I let her know that I'd be thinking about her today while I was on my couch, watching TV and drinking coffee.
She is no longer speaking to me.
Some people! I swear! You try to be nice, and what does it get you?

SCONE WATCH: UPDATE

From our anonymous source:
According to "Gloria" at Starbucks HQ, the phone lines have been jammed with people calling about the missing scones. There have been issues with the distributors, but they should be in stores next week.

SCONE WATCH: DAY 12

Friends, I have an important mission for you all. According to an email sent to the Starbucks distribution list*, pumpkin scones were supposed to arrive on Aug. 25th. It is now Sept. 5th, and they are nowhere to be found. I did see that they have the latte in stores now, so what gives? If any of you has any information regarding the whereabouts of the scones, or know anyone who does, please comment.
Thank you.
M Slash

*No, I am not on the Starbucks distribution email list. The person who is, however, would prefer to remain anonymous during this difficult time.

Overheard at Starbucks

Two young, female Democrats, discussing Sarah Palin's speech last night:
"I turned it off midway and DVR'd the rest, because I was like, 'OK, I have to do pilates right now, and I can't deal with this."

Sigh.

Move over, Jack Markell!

I have a new candidate to support for governor of Delaware! Is it too late to re-establish residency for the election?

Dark horse for governor a beer pong king

So true!

Someone was directed to this blog (specifically, this post) through a google search for "what is a important life lesson." Well, besides the fact that "an" is used before words beginning with vowels, yes, my experience described there IS an important lesson, and I'm glad that google is recognizing it as such.

I enjoy Whoppers

This is my new facebook picture, taken at a party on Sunday night. It has inspired various reactions from friends, from "OMG!!! Haha!! I LOVE YOU!" to "oh my god, what's the matter with you?"

I like it, though. I think it stays for a while.

Highlight of my weekend

Scene: Outside the Reef in Adams Morgan, early Saturday morning
Jess: OH MY GOD! Look at that orange car!!


Yes. LOOK AT IT.

Recent texts from friends

"Going to c a band, what the heck did u buy?"
"[REDACTED] is sooooo bitter about michael phelps right now"
"Roll tide! Stare him down for us." *
"Roll tide!! Kick his ass." *
"Its ok, they'll slowly start to go insane, such is the way rabies works"
"Haha u suck" **
"Dont come i hate u" **
"Where is ur finne [sic] ass?" **


*These are from a brother and sister from Alabama. One of them may be a little more violent than the other.

**The last three are from the same person. I think he may have multiple personality disorder.